Caring for Aging Parents

At Jane Does Well, we support women through some of life’s most challenging transitions. Divorce may be what first brings many women to our community, but life does not stop unfolding while we navigate it. 

We are raising children, rebuilding careers and financial lives, managing homes, relationships, co parenting, and changing family dynamics. And somewhere in the midst of all of that, many of us begin to notice another change. Our parents are getting older, and they may need more from us.

Sometimes it happens gradually. A few more appointments. A concern about driving. A change in memory. Other times, a fall, diagnosis, or health crisis changes everything overnight.

Before the workshop, we had the opportunity to ask Kate about what so many women are facing now, or know they may face soon: changing roles, difficult family dynamics, caregiver guilt, planning before a crisis, and how to support our parents while respecting their independence and choices. 

Kate’s answers are illuminating, compassionate and deeply insightful. 

Whether you are already caring for a parent, beginning to notice changes, or thinking about what may lie ahead, her perspective is worth reading. 

We can't guarantee that a plan will ultimately come to pass. Aging is unpredictable, and circumstances change. But if there is no plan, we run the risk of aging by default rather than aging by design.   - Kate Granigan

The Gentle Unraveling

There is often a quiet, unspoken moment when we realize a parent is becoming more fragile—through subtle memory lapses, physical slowing, or emotional retreat. For women standing at this delicate turning point, how can they begin to process this shift without being consumed by anticipatory grief or panic?

KG: This moment can happen subtly, but it can also come like a runaway train when a crisis suddenly shines a spotlight on a decline that may have been developing for some time.

In either case, the first thing I would advise is not to think of it as a role reversal. When we have children, we are completely responsible for their safety and well-being. Without us, they could not survive. So when our parents begin to show signs of aging or decline, it is understandable that we may immediately think, I am going to have to become completely responsible for another human being again.

But that isn't actually what is happening.

Our aging parents have lived full lives. They have a wealth of experience and have lived through challenges and heartbreak, joy and triumph. Just because they are entering a stage of life when physical or cognitive changes may begin to occur does not mean they lose their right to make choices—good or bad. For as long as they are able, they are still the driver of the bus.

Our role is to become a partner and a support, not to take over.

In order to have the best outcome, it is important to become curious, ask questions rather than make definitive statements, and work together to find a path forward. When we approach aging this way, we can support our loved ones without taking on the anxiety and overwhelm of believing that everything is now our responsibility.