Holding Steady: Parenting Teens Through Divorce with Calm and Clarity

A Q&A with Jane Does Well, Helen Labadie, LCMHC and Sara Clinton, LMHC of Windhorse Counseling

Divorce can feel like emotional whiplash — especially when you’re parenting teens who seem moody, distant, angry, or suddenly different. Many mothers navigating separation worry: Is this about the divorce? Did I say the wrong thing? Am I making this worse?

In this candid and grounding conversation, Jane Does Well speaks with counselors Helen Labadie and Sara Clinton of Windhorse Counseling about what truly supports teens during divorce — and what unintentionally backfires.

Together, they explore:

• How to approach hard conversations with curiosity instead of correction
• Signs a teen may be struggling (even if they insist they are fine)
• What to say when your child blames you for the divorce
• How to handle loyalty conflicts and negative narratives
• The impact of strict vs. permissive parenting across two households
• A powerful mantra to steady yourself when emotions run high

Their message is both reassuring and empowering: divorce adds stress, but it does not define your child’s future — or your relationship with them.

JDW: We have daily conversations about kids and divorce and often we find that one parent is more structured, and strict, and the other more permissive. Isn’t that confusing to the child?

Helen Labadie: We see that playing out in intact families too. You don’t need to be divorced for that to happen. Well, sometimes one parent is trying to be the “friend” of the child to gain loyalty.

Sara Clinton: You can’t control the other household. Focus on being authentic. If permissiveness is a strategy to win favor, kids will see through it. Consistency matters more than being the “cool” parent.

Helen Labadie: Predictability builds safety. Even if you’re stricter, teens feel secure knowing where they stand. And remember — teens won’t be teens forever. Many young adults look back and reassess what once seemed “fun.”

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JDW: What kinds of conversations with teens are most helpful — and which ones tend to backfire?

Sara Clinton: Timing is huge. It’s not just what you say — it’s when you say it. When teens come home, they often need to decompress. Instead of jumping in, try asking, “Is this a good time to talk?”  If you interrupt their internal flow with something heavy, it can immediately shut them down.

Helen Labadie: Teens also have an uncanny ability to want deep conversations at the least convenient times — like 11 p.m. after you’ve had a long day. But remaining open in those moments matters.

And conversations that come from curiosity rather than judgment are key. When teens vent, the language might not be kind. It’s tempting to correct the words — but instead, focus on what the emotion underneath is telling you. Correction can wait. Connection can’t.

JDW: What are signs a teen may be struggling, even if they seem outwardly okay?

Helen Labadie: Look at functioning. That’s your data.

• Changes in sleep patterns
• Appetite shifts
• Slipping grades
• Hygiene decline
• Withdrawal from activities

These don’t automatically mean “divorce stress.” They’re simply information. And remember, divorce is just one ingredient in the soup of adolescence. Hormones, friendships, school stress — it’s all in there.

Sara Clinton: I’d also watch for over-accommodating behavior. Teens who insist, “I’m fine,” and don’t want help because they don’t want to burden you. That can be its own quiet signal.

JDW: How can parents support teens without smothering or interrogating them?

Sara Clinton: Developmentally, teens are meant to separate. Some privacy is healthy. Sometimes your presence is enough. Just being in the kitchen while they move through their world can be grounding.

Food can be powerful. There were years when my son wouldn’t hug me, but he’d take a breakfast sandwich on his way out the door. That was connection.

Helen Labadie: Don’t underestimate small conversations. If they’re passionate about a band, ask about the band. If you skip over what matters to them and jump straight to “Are you vaping?” you’ll miss opportunities for closeness. Even sending a funny video about something they love shows you’re thinking of them.

JDW: How should a parent respond if a teen says, “The divorce is your fault”?

Sara Clinton: From their perspective, their life has been disrupted. They’re allowed to be angry. Validate first. Don’t defend immediately.

Helen Labadie: Own what you can. If you asked for the divorce, say so. You can acknowledge that it’s painful for them without overloading them with adult details. You might say: “I believe we can be better parents apart than we were together. I know this is hard.”

You can’t problem-solve until you’ve validated their feelings first.

JDW: What happens emotionally when teens feel forced to choose sides?

Helen Labadie: They stop feeling safe being honest with either parent.

If one parent constantly criticizes the other, the teen won’t share real experiences for fear of adding fuel to the fire.

Important caveat: if there are safety concerns or abuse, that’s different. But in cases of relational breakdown or infidelity, it helps to remember that people are more complicated than their worst mistake.

Sara Clinton: Ultimately, it’s in your child’s best interest to have a relationship with both parents, when safe. Loyalty conflicts are incredibly heavy for teens.

JDW: What if a teen starts repeating negative narratives clearly coming from the other parent?

Sara Clinton: Stay grounded in who you are. Consistency wins over time.  I’ve seen alienated parents stay steady and calm. Years later, when the kids became adults, they saw things differently.

Helen Labadie: Teens are suggestible. You may not be able to correct the narrative at 14. But they will grow up. They will gain perspective.  You can gently say:
“That’s not how I experienced it. Does that ring true to you?” Invite reflection rather than argument.

JDW: How can parents tell the difference between normal teen moodiness and divorce-related stress?

Helen Labadie: You often can’t.  Divorce stress may raise the overall emotional volume — but it’s just one ingredient in a much bigger developmental process.

Sara Clinton: Transitions are dysregulating. Coming back from the other parent’s house, they may simply need space. It doesn’t automatically mean something happened.  Giving space can prevent them from pushing away.

JDW: If you could give divorcing parents one sentence to remember, what would it be?

Helen Labadie: “This is not my forever.”  Your child won’t be 17 forever. The divorce won’t always feel this raw.  Change is constant.

Sara Clinton: Focus on your energy. Be the calm presence they want to be around.  And sometimes — borrow from your teen and say: “It’s not that deep.”

Final Thought

Divorce adds stress — but it does not define your child’s future or your relationship.

Stay curious.
Stay consistent.
Validate first.
Breathe before reacting.

And remind yourself:

This is not your forever.

Through partnerships with trusted clinicians like those at Windhorse Counseling, Jane Does Well is committed to providing grounded, compassionate guidance for women navigating divorce and parenting with clarity and strength.

About Helen Labadie, LCMHC

Learn more about Sarah Clinton, LMHC