Family Court and Coercive Control

By Larissa Crane, LICSW, RYT and Hilary Purtell, Contributor

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse involving a pattern of behaviors used to dominate and manipulate the victim. During a divorce, custody, or domestic abuse situation, coercive controlling abusers, or ‘coercive controllers’, can manipulate the court system to continue to intimidate, threaten, and control the victim.

There are several insights and strategies victims of coercive control should consider when navigating the legal system.

Preparing for Litigation Against an Abuser

The family court system can be used as another means for the coercive controller to continue the pattern of abuse post separation and divorce. The following several critical things to watch out for and key ways to prepare yourself.

Lack of Awareness About Coercive Control

As of 2025, California, Connecticut, Colorado, Hawaii, Washington, New Jersey and Massachusetts expanded the definition of domestic abuse to include coercive control, however many courts still fail to recognize the harmful patterns of behavior that are the precursors to violence - patterns that often escalate post-separation and during the court process. One of the most significant challenges is that judges, court staff, and attorneys are not receiving adequate training on coercive control dynamics and fail to understand the extent of the psychological trauma inflicted on a victim, especially when children are involved.

Court as a Tool for Further Abuse

The coercive controller often uses the family court system as another way to exert power, restrict freedom, and inflict harm. Their tactics are designed to intimidate, harass, and delay the legal process. This can include filing frivolous or excessive motions, dragging out proceedings, or refusing to negotiate in good faith. It is not unusual for an abuser to:

• change attorneys frequently

•  fail to appear for court dates

•  stall negotiations by presenting unreasonable proposals

•  demand excessive or irrelevant documentation

•  issue false allegations

•  make custody threats

These strategies aim to exhaust the victim’s resources, wear them down emotionally and financially, and keep them entangled in the legal process, sometimes for years.

 Lies & Deception

The family courts are not focused on determining fault. They operate with broad judicial discretion in areas like property division, support, and custody to achieve outcomes they believe are equitable and in the best interest of the family. Abusers can present themselves as professional, calm, genuine, and honest, making it harder for the courts and legal advocates to believe or disbelieve the narratives presented. A victim’s narrative provided to the court should be fact-specific and focused on the result of the abuse rather than the abusive act. The best strategy against an abuser during the legal process is to remain calm, patient, reason-minded, resourceful, informed and determined. Work on self-care and strengthening your body and mind before engaging or reacting to the abuser, or to those involved in the legal process.

Financial Strain

Coercive controllers manipulate the system by attempting to drain their victim’s financial resources. They file excessive motions, forcing victims to respond and incur significant legal costs. Additionally, they often challenge rulings with appeals that continue to deplete the victim’s resources long after a final judgment. These abusers frequently engage in lengthy custody battles, necessitating expensive third-party evaluations and reports. This financial strain can silence victims who are unable to afford proper legal representation.

The stress and manipulation associated with coercive control can take a severe toll on mental health. Victims often experience overwhelming emotional strain, which can impair their ability to care for themselves and their children. The legal process is emotionally draining and can significantly affect the victim’s ability to work or maintain their well-being. Re-traumatization is also common, as victims are forced to relive past abuse and face their abuser in a legal setting, triggering feelings of fear, helplessness, or anxiety. If victims appear too emotional or argumentative in court, they may be viewed as unstable, potentially leading to unfavorable rulings regarding parenting decisions.

1) Hire the Right Attorney

If possible, hire an attorney with experience in coercive control. During interviews, ask questions such as:

• What is your experience representing clients who have been victims of coercive control?
• How do you handle abusive litigation tactics? 

If you cannot afford a lawyer, look into legal aid organizations, pro bono services, or family law clinics. Specialized organizations focusing on domestic abuse also offer crucial assistance, including legal advice and advocacy.

 2) Prepare Yourself Financially

Abusers often maintain control over finances during the marriage, leaving victims with little access to important financial documents. Retain any bank account details, tax returns, mortgage information, or other financial records. Consider storing these in a secure location like a free online Dropbox account. Freeze your credit report to prevent further financial abuse. Also, work towards financial independence by opening your own bank account, obtaining a credit card, and seeking employment or vocational training if needed. 

If you have been a victim of coercive control for many years or even in a short-term marriage, it’s crucial to get support. This is the time to ask for help from those with whom you feel safe. Find a therapist who understands coercive control dynamics and is experienced at helping victims of abuse prepare both mentally and emotionally for the challenges of divorce.

Victims of coercive control have been invalidated, dismissed, discredited, devalued, and silenced. As a result, victims often believe the court system will finally provide them a voice and the chance to present the truth, validating the abuse that they or their children have suffered.

However, it’s crucial to understand that the role of the family court is not to publicly acknowledge or vindicate past abuse. In fact, it can be incredibly frustrating to discover that the court doesn’t care about what happened during your marriage. Family courts are bound by established rules and procedures, and their primary function is to resolve financial matters and make decisions regarding parenting arrangements.

When it comes to custody issues, the court’s role isn’t to decide who is the "better" parent, but rather to determine who is a "good enough" parent. In many cases, judges will grant 50/50 custody to a parent who is controlling or emotionally abusive, overlooking patterns of abuse in the marriage. The court's focus is on what it perceives as being in the "best interest" of the children, rather than addressing the dynamics of the past relationship.

In extreme cases of physical abuse, the court may recognize that abuse has occurred—but only if it can be proven by a preponderance of evidence. Even then, family courts rarely impose significant consequences on an abusive parent beyond reduced parenting time or financial penalties.

5) Control Your Emotions

Maintaining composure in court is crucial for achieving a favorable outcome. Showing emotion—whether it's anger, frustration, or fear—can hurt your case. Judges prefer clear, factual presentations of the issues, followed by reasonable, concise solutions. They don’t have the time or interest to hear lengthy accounts of what happened in the marriage. By keeping your feelings in check and presenting your argument unemotionally and concisely, while clearly stating how you want the court to rule, you increase the likelihood that your position will be viewed as reasonable.

Be mindful that your ex-partner and their attorney may try to paint you as overly critical or vindictive, suggesting you are using personal grievances to undermine their parenting rights. Many people lose custody by getting caught up in fighting these false narratives, which wastes valuable time and resources. Instead of letting these tactics derail you, focus on presenting your case calmly, factually, and professionally. This will maintain your credibility and demonstrate your capability as a parent.

It can help to approach the divorce process like a business transaction rather than a personal conflict. This mindset will allow you to maintain the emotional distance and clarity necessary to navigate court proceedings effectively.

6) Facilitate Accurate Reports

If you need to obtain a custody evaluation from a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or parenting coordinator (PC), and the Judge allows the parties to select the expert, it’s crucial to find someone who understands the dynamics of coercive control and its impact on both parenting and children. If possible, bring your lawyer or a trusted friend to the initial meeting. This is important because recounting the history of your trauma might trigger emotional responses, leading you to omit significant details. Having someone else present helps ensure the meeting is well-documented and that your concerns are accurately communicated.

Judges often give considerable weight to third-party evaluations, so it’s critical to ensure that the evaluator has a full and accurate understanding of the issues. Your goal should be to clearly explain how coercive control behaviors have affected your children and your ability to co-parent effectively—not to prove that the abuse occurred. 

7) Keep Detailed Records

One of the best ways to prepare for court is to keep meticulous records of all interactions and incidents involving the abuser. Maintain a journal or spreadsheet documenting each instance of harassment, manipulation, threats, and any other controlling behaviors. Save emails, text messages, voicemails, and other communications that illustrate the abuser’s behavior during the divorce. Also, keep records of any negotiations involving parenting arrangements as abusers often make last-minute changes, fail to show up for court, appear unexpectedly, or alter plans without notice. This documentation can serve as critical evidence to support your claims and counter the abuser’s manipulations.

If the abuser continues to abuse you with false accusations, demonstrate how their behavior impacts the current and future circumstances of your family. Provide concrete examples for the judge, not just vague assertions or feelings of harm. Remember, family court primarily focuses on the present and future well-being of the children, not on proof that the coercive control exists in the relationship. 

8) Communicate Professionally

Avoid sending accusatory texts, emails, or voicemails to the abuser or engaging in heated arguments—all communications can be used against you and may detract from your credibility. Every form of communication, whether written or verbal, can be presented as evidence in court, potentially impacting your case. Instead, aim for professional and neutral interactions to keep the focus on what’s best for the children, and avoid giving the abuser additional leverage in court.

9) Familiarize Yourself with the Legal Process and Courtroom

Understanding the legal process and what to expect can significantly boost your confidence and preparedness. Research family court procedures in your jurisdiction, learn about the types of motions and filings you may encounter, and familiarize yourself with legal terminology. This knowledge will enable you to communicate more effectively and understand the progression of your case.

Additionally, it’s beneficial to prepare for both the physical and emotional aspects of the courtroom environment in advance of any proceedings. 

If possible, visit the courthouse beforehand to familiarize yourself with the layout, including the courtroom and your designated seating area. Attending a live hearing presided over by your judge can also be helpful; observing their demeanor and style will allow you to feel less anxious and more prepared when it’s your turn to appear.

Knowing what to expect can aid in managing your reactions and maintaining your composure. Becoming familiar with the sights, sounds, and routines of the courtroom will reduce surprises and help you stay focused on presenting your case. This preparation can prevent a "fight or flight" response or the "deer in headlights" reaction when faced with the formalities of the court setting or the presence of your abuser. By minimizing anxiety and surprises, you’ll be better equipped to handle the courtroom experience effectively.

10) Prepare for Conferences and Settlement Negotiations

Family court cases typically involve both status conferences and settlement negotiations before reaching trial. Given that you will likely encounter your abuser in these settings, it’s important to prepare both mentally and emotionally. Develop a clear strategy outlining your goals and necessary boundaries. Collaborate with your attorney to create a strategy based on coercive control dynamics; at their core, coercive controllers often have a deep-seated need to feel as though they have “one-upped” you. If you are representing yourself, familiarize yourself with the court's procedures and consider practicing your arguments to increase your confidence.

During these sessions, assert your interests firmly yet calmly, and avoid falling into old communication patterns such as arguments or emotional disputes, as these can derail the process and waste valuable time and resources. If meetings are conducted virtually, consider practical measures to reduce visual triggers, such as covering the abuser’s video feed with a sticky note. Leaning back in your chair or lowering the volume can also be effective. Take slow, deep breaths to help calm yourself, and if you begin to feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to request short breaks to regain your composure.

Remember to approach these meetings with the mindset that the divorce is a business transaction rather than a personal battle. The goal of these negotiations is to achieve an equitable resolution rather than engage in a power struggle. By staying focused on your objectives and maintaining a professional demeanor, you can better protect yourself and work towards a resolution that meets your goals.

11) Build a Supportive Network and Prioritize Self-Care

Navigating family court against a coercive controller can feel incredibly isolating and stressful. To maintain your resilience, it's essential to create a robust support network. Surround yourself with friends, family, support groups, and professionals who can offer emotional support, practical advice, financial expertise, and a listening ear. Consider connecting with local advocacy organizations that specialize in supporting individuals facing similar challenges, as they can provide valuable resources and insights.

Additionally, prioritize your well-being by engaging in self-care activities such as regular exercise, healthy eating, meditation, and spending quality time with loved ones. Establishing routines that promote your physical and mental health can significantly enhance your ability to cope with stress.

Taking care of both your emotional and physical health will help you stay strong and focused throughout the legal process, demonstrating to your children that you are a resilient, fully functioning parent capable of providing the care they need. Moreover, modeling self-care practices teaches your children the importance of maintaining their own well-being, equipping them with tools to manage their emotions and challenges effectively. 

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup; nurturing yourself is not only essential for your own health but also beneficial for your family.

Final Thoughts

Managing family court as a victim of coercive control can be a challenging and lengthy process, requiring thorough preparation and a focused mindset. Expect setbacks, delays, and frustrations, and be ready to adapt your approach, as abusers often escalate their tactics to undermine you throughout the court proceedings. Do not expect this to be a smooth or quick journey—it is rarely linear.

Stay committed to your objectives and articulate your needs clearly, avoiding reactionary responses to the abuser’s narratives. 

Surround yourself with the support you need—whether through legal counsel, support networks, or expert advice—and prioritize self-care during this demanding time.

View this process as an opportunity to advocate for yourself and protect your family’s best interests. By staying focused, utilizing available resources, and maintaining a professional demeanor, you can minimize re-traumatization and work toward a resolution that meets your needs.

For additional support, connect with professionals who specialize in coercive control or domestic violence. Many organizations offer low-cost or free resources, and engaging with others who understand your journey is vital. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this process alone.

About Larissa Crane

Larissa is a psychotherapist based in the Boston area who specializes in helping people overcome anxiety, depression, and eating disorders through a trauma- informed approach.

Her practice also supports “high conflict” litigants navigating the Massachusetts probate and family court. Larissa conducts GAL (Guardian ad Litem) reports, offers parenting coordination services, and provides counseling for those who have experienced coercive control or narcissistic abuse.

She can be reached at larissacrane.com or at [email protected].

About Hilary Purtell

Hilary is a skilled professional actor, voice talent, and on-camera host, who holds a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology.

She produces impactful and educational video and written content focused on family law best practices and divorce.