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Part One
Navigating a High-conflict Divorce
A three-part series offering tips and advice from our Jane Does Well members
Suggested initial steps to take when planning to leave your marriage
© 2026 Jane Does Well. All rights reserved.janedoeswell.org
Contents
Introduction
5Building the Story
1Financial Preparation and Verification
6Children
2Safety and Privacy Planning
7Preparing for Trial
3Legal Consultation
8Trial Preparation and Resilience
4Support Systems
Summary
Before you begin
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Introduction
This checklist is designed to help individuals prepare for a high-conflict divorce, where it is anticipated that a spouse/partner may engage in controlling, manipulative, or abusive behaviors. It aims to provide a step-by-step framework to safeguard finances, protect personal safety, document abuse, and prepare for legal proceedings.
For the purpose of this resource, we are defining a high-conflict divorce as follows:
A high conflict divorce is a marital separation characterized by intense and persistent conflict between the divorcing parties, often involving prolonged legal battles, emotional distress, and a breakdown in communication. It goes beyond typical disagreements and is marked by hostility, unwillingness to compromise, and a focus on inflicting emotional pain or control.”
In addition to structured guidance, each section includes “JDW Members Caution” advice based on members’ lived experiences that highlight what to expect, how to prepare and plan, and avoid many of the inevitable difficulties.
JDW Members Caution:
- Do not underestimate the lengths your spouse might go to undermine you including financial self-destruction and litigation.
- Members report ex-partners hid money, bought cryptocurrency, bought guns, had secret email accounts, hid marriage certificates
- The very first step to consider before leaving is to be emotionally grounded so you are as mentally prepared as possible.
- Make sense of your experience first
- Identify your family and friend support
- Arrange for therapy and support groups before you leave
- Judges are responsible only for dividing assets and confirming a parenting plan
- Judges have no interest in assigning fault, diagnoses, or emotions
- Use facts (NOT LABELS or DIAGNOSES) to describe patterns of behavior
- If you are divorcing a narcissist, remember their only goal is delay, discredit, and deplete you. Don’t fall for this strategy. If whatever they are saying/doing doesn’t get you across the finish line to a divorce, DON’T ENGAGE. When I realized this, it saved me time, energy, emotion, and legal fees.
- Read Slay the Bully (Atty. Rebecca Zung) for guidance on navigating the legal process with a narcissist.
- Read Psychopath Free (Jackson MacKenzie) for guidance on navigating and understanding a narc.
“
If whatever they are saying/doing doesn’t get you across the finish line to a divorce, DON’T ENGAGE.
1
Financial Preparation and Verification
ADocument Gathering
- Identify a secret place (preferably outside your matrimonial home) to store the documents below that you will gather. (e.g., at a trusted friend’s or relative’s home, or a personal safety deposit box)
- Open a personal bank account and transition direct deposits to a new account. Spouses might remove access to joint accounts without warning. Once one files for divorce, financial accounts are often frozen to changes, so ….. All women should have a bank account and credit card in their own name
All women should have a bank account and credit card in their own name.
- Request copies of your credit report ASAP (www.freecreditreport.com)
- Print at least three years’ worth of statements for shared accounts
- Request copies of all retirement plan accounts; if married, you can’t be removed
- Close all inactive accounts; remove your name from joint accounts
- Consider freezing assets for any and all joint financial accounts
- Consider freezing credit card purchases for credit cards; for individual accounts
- Hiding assets or refusing to disclose is a game for high-conflict individuals. Do not take this personally but do know that this will require extra work for you/attorney
- Send financial institutions (banks, credit cards) written request to remove your name from accounts ASAP to avoid financial liability
- Notify mortgage company of impending separation/divorce; freeze active open HELOCs and/or request alerts for such requests; one member reports that her ex-spouse was days away from refinancing their condo without her authorization or awareness
- Contact auto insurance carrier to ask them to notify you directly if any changes are made to your coverage; mine dropped me from our shared policy under his name
- Apply for a credit card(s) in your name only as credit cards may be frozen suddenly.
- Run a credit check on yourself
- Enable 2 party verification for online accounts; use encrypted password systems such as 1Password for all personal accounts.
Quietly gather financial and personal documents including:
- Tax returns going back 7 years.
- Download and save monthly bank statements as far back as you can go at present on the website. This is usually about 7 years. It is important because as time passes and the divorce drags on, you will gradually be losing access to those older statements which could have relevant data. In the event that there is something relevant on those statements, you want to be sure you have them. They might reveal such things as evidence of a down payment for property or contribution to a retirement account. Where possible, capture an image of the check or a detailed view of the transaction.
- Credit card statements 12 months at least
- Keep evidence that the credit card account was joint.
- Property deeds
- Insurance - all types health insurance, dental, car insurance, life insurance policies
- Retirement accounts and 529 accounts, pension annuity
- List of as many passwords and login credentials as possible including safe combination if applicable
- Copies of estate plan, medical proxy documents, marriage license
- Your passport
- Car title
- Cell phone records. You might have to pay your carrier to generate detailed call histories
- Document joint assets and liabilities with photos, screenshots, and copies. Include non-monetary assets such as art or jewelry.
- Print or save records of credit card rewards, travel points, or online balances such as Amazon points, airline miles, and gift cards
- Prepare a realistic post-separation budget to the best of your ability
BHistorical Spend Tracking
- Collect past financial records and highlight unusual transactions.
- Note major life events tied to spending (house purchase, inheritance, remodeling).
- Create a timeline of financial history.
CCurrent Spend Tracking
- Monitor accounts in real time with alerts for withdrawals or large transactions.
- If spouse is self-employed, exercise additional caution in monitoring spouse’s business expenses
- Track new spending patterns carefully.
- Document suspicious purchases or asset transfers.
DFinancial Statements Tracking
- Ensure you have access to all online accounts
- Review and save all monthly statements.
- Record opening and closing balances to track changes.
- Inform your mortgage company if you have suspicions
- Flag discrepancies immediately.
EResearch Forensic Accountants
- If you have reason to believe your spouse is hiding funds or misrepresenting financial status, consider a session with a forensic accountant
FInventory Items of Personal or Sentimental Value
- Video recording of all items you believe are rightfully yours
JDW Members Caution:
- Document anything your instincts tell you is irregular, suspicious, concerning either in a notebook/journal or with photographs to capture such things as injury or damage caused by spouse.
- Be careful about signing IRS tax returns if you have suspicions about fraudulent or questionable reporting by your spouse.
- High-conflict spouses often hide assets or misreport finances. Detailed monitoring helps protect your future. Retain personal copies to prevent evidence loss. Identify prospective financial advisors and forensic accountants.
- Spouses were known to shift money to hidden accounts or claim joint expenses that were really personal.
- Some spouses withdrew large sums in cash right before separation.
- Others misused joint funds (e.g., vacations, gifts, or personal expenses).
- Self-employed spouses sometimes reduce income to zero on paper (i.e., “business failure/bankruptcy”) to avoid spousal/family support or reduce the settlement
“
Hiding assets or refusing to disclose is a game for high-conflict individuals.
My notes1 · Financial Preparation and Verification
2
Safety and Privacy Planning
yours, your children’s, and your pets
- Pack an emergency bag (clothes, toiletries, cash, medications, children’s essentials). Consider keeping an essential bag in your car’s trunk, your office, or with a friend; it’s easier to get away when they don’t see you taking things with you.
- Secure passports, birth certificates, wills, and valuables outside the home.
It’s easier to get away when they don’t see you taking things with you.
- Change passwords on all accounts (bank, email, social media, medical portals). One noted their spouse even attempted to access medical portals to control healthcare decisions.
- Create fake answers to security questions to prevent others from hacking your accounts; instead of the mother's maiden name and place of birth which spouses typically know, use fake answers. Set up two-factor authentication.
- Turn off location tracking on phones and apps. Several participants reported spouses monitoring phones or emails.
- Create a new secure, private email account through Proton, a company that offers privacy-focused online services
- If you have an email address with an IP address controlled by your spouse/partner, create a new email address as he has full access to your messages. One member reports her ex “gifted” her as a Valentine’s gift a personal email address so they could share private emails there. He eventually coerced her to close her prior account (@verizon) without her realizing that he had full control of and access to her emails on the gifted email address, which he, in fact, owned.
- Establish your own password vault (1Password, LastPass, etc.) and DO NOT tie it to a new and secure email address (in case you are being stalked)
- Consider purchasing a burner phone or set up your own cell plan with a new number. If you share a plan, you are advised to switch to a different carrier and establish a new number for safety reasons.
- If the plan is in his name, he “owns” your number and will have to authorize you to transfer your number to a new plan.
- Sign up for www.USPS.com “informed delivery” for daily email updates on your mail delivery and send updates to private email address. This mitigates mail being intercepted or opened. It is a federal violation if a spouse (or anyone) interferes with your personal mail delivery.
- Establish your own P.O. Box for all legal or confidential mail to be sent
- If there’s a history of abuse, create a safety plan with a trusted friend or shelter.
- Pets were sometimes targeted—arrange safe foster care if necessary.
- Be mindful of what you post on social media to avoid tipping off ex about your state of mind, e.g. don’t suddenly start following pages or posting content related to empowerment, coercive control, etc. Keep content neutral. Don’t change routine but don’t give your intentions away.
- Notify your doctors and health providers (including specialists) in writing to REMOVE your spouse from access to your records, including medical proxy. Also change your passwords to these accounts. One member reports an ex-spouse tried to tap into her medical records to see her cancer prognosis.
- Consider hiring a forensic expert to see what/how much he may have linked your devices to his. One member reports her ex-spouse had linked her phone, iPad (he bought for her), and computer to his device without her knowledge shortly after they began dating. I had no idea until after I left him and discovered it during our divorce.
- Ask your mechanic or a tech-savvy friend to check your car for tracking devices. These can be easily hidden in glove boxes, under seats, and in the trunk under the carpet.
- Check your luggage and backpacks for tracking devices, specifically Apple tags.
- Make sure you take full possession of car keys, including spares. One member reports that her ex refused to admit he had her spare key, thus creating safety concerns when she was parked in public lots.
- Communicate only in writing. This becomes your evidence. One member said her ex-spouse sent inappropriate emails and texts to her and countless others; these became evidence not just in her divorce but in passing coercive control legislation.
- If safety is a concern, consider notifying your employer and providing a picture of your abuser.
- Find a safe storage area (rented locker, friend/family attic, drawer at work, etc.) for critical documents including tax returns (7 years), wills, bank statements, birth certificates and passports for all, marriage and prior divorce certificates for adults
- Consider having somebody check the wiring in your home to see if cameras have been installed.
JDW Members Caution:
- Household cameras (Ring, Nest) should be considered for privacy reasons as they might be used to spy. Consider cancelling the Ring or Nest service or install a new one.
- Visit a Genius Bar to determine if any of your devices are being tracked
- If your ex-partner becomes confrontational and threatening in any way, call the police to have the incident documented. Get the report even if there’s no arrest.
- Keep child trackers in mind. Even if they are not active on children’s phones, there are ways for spouses to track children’s movements.
“
Communicate only in writing. This becomes your evidence.
My notes2 · Safety and Privacy Planning
3
Legal Consultation
- Meet with several lawyers if possible. Most lawyers now charge for a preliminary consultation. You might be able to block your spouse’s access to specific attorneys if you have already engaged with those attorneys but engagement might cost you. Develop a list of standard questions and your goals to interview potential attorneys; seek referrals. (Need to confirm if simply calling an attorney to inquire about services precludes spouse using said attorney.)
- Retain an attorney experienced in high-conflict divorces.
Lawyers are there to help you navigate the law, not to be your therapist or manage your ex.
- Clarify fee expectation
- Discuss hidden assets and consider a forensic accountant.
- Do not pay retainers too early—timing matters to avoid tipping off your spouse.
- If you are an employee with work benefits, ask your HR manager if your benefits include legal counsel. Some organizations offer several hours of legal counsel to staff.
- Develop recommendations on how to use attorney time wisely and judiciously. Lawyers are there to help you navigate the law, not to be your therapist or manage your ex
- Lawyers charge by the minute; save small talk and feelings for conversations with friends
- If represented, provide your lawyer with examples of his behavior; they are not mind readers or puzzlers
- Consult your employer’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) as they often offer three free, confidential sessions related to counseling or legal assistance
- Notify your estate planner before a potential separation/divorce. These cannot be changed once a divorce is in motion. Changes can only be made before one files or after the divorce is finalized.
JDW Members Caution:
- Some spouses lie on financial disclosures and ignore court orders.
- Jane Does Well has a list of high-conflict attorneys and forensic accountants recommended by members. Hire a lawyer who is compassionate but most critically, assertive.
- Be careful about signing IRS tax returns if you have suspicions about fraudulent or questionable reporting by your spouse.
- A true narcissist fears their truth being exposed. To be deposed is to be exposed.
- Lean on police as appropriate.
“
To be deposed is to be exposed.
My notes3 · Legal Consultation
4
Support Systems
- Build a circle of support both in person and online before you initiate a divorce. This could include divorce support groups, therapists, close friends, family, support groups, or spiritual community.
- Remember no matter how lovely his family may be, they will likely become his ally and your adversary; that’s sometimes life and part of divorce
- Be careful what you share and with whom. Casual comments can often find their way back to an ex-spouse and work against them. This goes both ways
- Try to find a reason to start therapy for your children while you are still in the marriage. Sometimes spouses will deny children therapy once separation or divorce proceedings are initiated.
- Suitable therapists can be hard to find. Consider engaging with school counselors to identify therapists for children before your spouse can lawfully interfere with school communication.
- Ensure your children have other emotional outlets such as close family friends or cousins/relatives, teachers, team coaches.
- If you have employee benefits, speak to your HR manager about help options for domestic violence protections if relevant and/or support for emotional crises such as EAPs (Employee Assistance Programs).
- If you believe your spouse is a narcissist, research podcasts to educate yourself on characteristics and profiles as the podcasts might offer help on how to navigate the marriage while you are sorting things out.
- Show yourself grace. Sometimes getting out of bed and showering is an achievement.
- Remember that healing takes time; let yourself grieve your loss and recover from the trauma of divorce
- Avoid getting stuck in victim mode; it’s okay to share, it’s not okay to be a permanent cloud over others
JDW Members Caution:
- Emotional exhaustion is common—outside support can make the difference in staying strong.
- Members suggest using ChatGPT’s “Brenda & Frank Conversation Analyst” to help identify manipulation and gaslighting in conversations, providing detailed analysis and offering guidance on how to respond calmly and assertively.
“
Show yourself grace. Sometimes getting out of bed and showering is an achievement.
My notes4 · Support Systems
5
Building the Story
ADocumentation of Historical Behaviors
- Keep a record of past incidents of abuse, manipulation, or financial control. It is very important to have documentation and data as much as possible. Videos and photos can be useful.
- Find a safe place to keep a journal or electronic system to record these behaviors and incidents; this helps not just to build your story but to allow you to maintain sanity when you are gaslighted, and with narcissists, you will be gaslit.
- Organize evidence: emails, texts, voicemails, or witness accounts.
JDW Members Caution:
- Common themes that should be noted: verbal abuse toward spouse and children, gaslighting, and rewriting history
BTracking Current Behaviors
- Save abusive or threatening communications especially if these are witnessed by your children.
- Maintain a daily journal with time-stamped entries.
- Use parenting apps with built-in accountability (e.g., 2Houses).
- If safe and legal, record interactions or use home security cameras.
- Remove read text messages
- ChatGPT offers a free conversation analysis tool called “Brenda & Frank” which can help you identify manipulation and gaslighting in conversations, providing detailed analysis and offering guidance on how to respond calmly and assertively.
- Report abusive communications to police. One member reports contacting local police to report this type of contact and police chief recommended she be placed in the state’s address confidentiality program and led to a police report, which became part of her discoverable documents. It is hard for his attorney to defend that.
- Remember that MA is a two-party consent state. If you record somebody, you MUST have their consent. Failure to do so can result in felony charges being filed against you. Vice versa too, so if he records you without consent, your attorney can advise you of
JDW Members Caution:
- Spouses often ignore or twist court orders; journals and apps are vital in proving noncompliance.
- Constant threats through texts or voicemail are common; this reinforces the need for documentation.
- Attorneys might ask for a summary of your marital decline and your reasons for pursuing a divorce. It is helpful you have recorded events over time for easier recollection
“
Maintain a daily journal with time-stamped entries.
My notes5 · Building the Story
6
Children
- Begin to track spouse’s involvement in drop-offs and pick-ups (punctuality, behavior, participation) as soon as you start planning your departure.
- Document any inappropriate behavior toward the children.
- Save medical or school records that show changes in well-being.
- Put your children in therapy before announcing divorce intentions if possible before your spouse has a legal override about their treatment
JDW Members Caution:
- Some children show behavioral regressions linked to parental conflict.
- Spouses sometimes use children as messengers or tools of manipulation. When possible, take screenshots of your children’s messages from the manipulative partner as evidence.
“
Spouses sometimes use children as messengers or tools of manipulation.
My notes6 · Children
7
Preparing for Trial
AOrganizing the Evidence
- Create a digital and physical filing system with categories (financial, abuse, children, court).
- Back everything up in the cloud.
- Work with professionals (forensic accountants, therapists, custody evaluators).
BLegal Documentation
- Keep all court orders and track violations.
- Prepare copies of restraining orders, custody notes, and mediation reports.
- Identify potential witnesses or experts.
JDW Members Caution:
- Judges respond best to organized, factual records—not emotional accounts.
- Spouses often break agreements (financial or parenting), so tracking violations consistently gives you credibility in court.
- Use AI (e.g., ChatGPT) to review court and legal preparation, documents, and requirements to prevent costly oversight or errors by attorneys.
“
Judges respond best to organized, factual records—not emotional accounts.
My notes7 · Preparing for Trial
8
Trial Preparation and Resilience
- Work with your lawyer to anticipate cross-examination.
- Practice calm, fact-based responses.
- Build emotional resilience through therapy, support groups, or stress-management tools.
- Have a binder of evidence and exhibits ready to go for deposition and/or a trial and save money by creating a binder for yourself and feed your attorney new documents.
- Consider all potential witnesses. One member reports that her ex-spouse’s first wife was willing to testify on her behalf had she asked.
- Secure witnesses early. They are often booked out months in advance.
- Invite friends, family, and court watchers to sit behind you for moral support
JDW Members Caution:
- Anticipate your partner’s responses and actions as much as possible. If your ex-partner is a narcissist or you believe they might be, educate yourself in narcissistic behavior and tendencies which could help. Remember, narcissists do not think like most people; they have different values and needs that might be unthinkable to you.
“
Invite friends, family, and court watchers to sit behind you for moral support.
My notes8 · Trial Preparation and Resilience
Summary
Preparing for a high-conflict divorce requires planning, documentation, and emotional support. By securing finances, protecting safety, tracking abusive behaviors, and organizing evidence, you position yourself to navigate the process effectively.
JDW members emphasize staying one step ahead, documenting everything, and leaning on your support network. This guide integrates their lived experiences with a structured to-do list to help you protect yourself and your children during one of life’s most challenging transitions.
In short: The process is described as draining but survivable with strong preparation and support.
JDW Members Caution:
- Educate yourself as much as possible on the court system and judges
- Anticipate
- Practice emotional regulation: breathing, watching your thoughts with some distance, meditation, yoga.
- You will be triggered at times and it is helpful to anticipate and recognize triggering events so you can manage your reactions to your advantage.
My notesOverall thoughts and next steps
© 2026 Jane Does Well. All rights reserved. This guide is provided for the personal use of our members and the women we serve. Please do not copy, share, sell or post it, in whole or in part, without written permission from Jane Does Well.
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